The Holy Land Experience
If you're one of the few people that walked out of “The Passion of the Christ” wondering “I really wish I could see a man getting beaten to a bloody pulp for 2 hours…LIVE!” then the Holy Land Experience will make your twisted heart sing with…maybe not “joy,” probably more like “deranged glee.”
The Holy Land Experience is a Christian themed amusement park in Orlando, Florida that puts vacationing broods of Jesus-freaks smack in the middle of biblical Jerusalem; a time when humans were dumber, the Gods were way more vengeful, and women turned in to salt just by looking at things. You know, the good'ol days.
Orlando is a strange place. It's the theme park Mecca of the world where you can take a fanciful trip through the back lots of a working film studio, watch a cavalcade of whimsical characters parade down Disney's Main Street, USA…or you can travel a few miles away from either of those and watch Jesus get yelled at and beaten to a bloody carcass, then get crucified; all in real time, and as you enjoy a Flintstones-sized smoked turkey leg. We can only hope they serve chocolate covered ice cream crosses for the kids.
The crucifixion of Christ (and the torture that leads up to it) is the parks' biggest attraction, and it occurs 6 times a week. As a side note, we are still wondering why Elvis's Graceland tour doesn't have a recreation of the King stumbling to his bathroom and croaking on the toilet during a prescription drug induced poop.
If the idea of taking a child to see a man getting beaten wasn't bad enough, you and your family can take pictures of it as it happens.
There is something deeply disturbing about seeing people in this celebrity obsessed, paparazzi filled world of ours snapping pictures of a bloody Jesus walking his cross to his death. “Hey! Can you stop writhing in pain for a sec? It's screwing up my auto-focus!”
Diggerland, located in England, is for that sad, misanthropic child in all of us that wonders what it feels like to be excavated dirt. It's also for those that are so sad and misanthropic that they want to know what it's like to be the one that excavates the dirt. Yes, school yard bully metaphors are a dime a dozen in Diggerland.
In Diggerland, you can ride all of those awesome machines you liked when you were a kid, only to realize that there is a reason your goals in life were a bit loftier than construction.
They claim to have 4 official Diggerland locations around England, but that isn't true. Don't let them fool you in to stealing your money. Diggerland is everywhere. You know that mall they're building down the road from your house? Diggerland. That crack den they just started to tear down? Diggerland. That barren wasteland of soon-to-be piss-poor, cookie cutter housing that is caught up in ongoing legal battles over property rights? Guess what? Diggerland.
If there is a spot near you where large machines move dirt around, there is the potential for your very own Diggerland experience. And it would probably be more fun, too. The real Diggerland can't offer the thrill of using wire cutters to gain access to restricted areas. Diggerland can't offer the exhilaration of nearly disemboweling your friends with large machinery. And Diggerland certainly cannot offer you the opportunity of being chased out of it by a pack of angry dogs and disillusioned cops.
Well, it can, but you'd actually have to pay for that.
Bon Bon Land
Bon Bon Land -- Denmark's 4th largest theme park -- is a psychedelic trip through an adolescent mind as it is riddled with poop and fart jokes that will surely make an adolescent on psychedelics giggle themselves stupid. In other words, it's the greatest place on earth.
The park was once home to a candy factory that came upon hard times and was forced to close. In its place, a theme park was built to honor the factory's memory and its unique take on marketing candy to children. How unique? Let's put it this way: In America, wholesome and fun cartoon characters are use to sell candy to kids. In Denmark, it's a cow. A cow with boobs. Not udders. Very Human, and very female boobs. But that's not all. They also have a dog that poops and farts and nothing more. These characters are now rides in a theme park.
The rides, for the most part, are fairly generic carnival rides. Some have a nice added twist of allowing the riders to operate them as the ride them, which in America would get somebody sued before the idea of the ride was even conceived. But it’s the aforementioned insane characters that make it so unique. Take, for example, the Hundeprutterutchebane. We bet you feel all smart for being able to pronounce that whole thing, huh? Well, guess what? It translates to, “Dog Fart Switchback.” At first, one would be inclined to believe that it is a regular roller coaster…that is, until you realize that you are taking a journey through the magical world of a dog evacuating his bowels. The Dog Fart Switchback hits its immature peak when you are fired through a dog house that greets you with a boisterous fart.
Again, it's the greatest place on earth.
Little known fact: Mexico is actually located in South Carolina, not Mexico. If all your earthly knowledge was predicated solely upon what you learned from theme park-hopping, than that would be the kind of information you enter the real world with.
Pedroland Park is actually a part of an elaborate rest stop along interstate 95 whose website claims it is home to an observation tower that is over 200 feet tall. The very next sentence says, “This is considered to be the largest “sign” in the world!” We took this sentence to our Blurtit labs and conducted extensive research on it that included doing many different sciencey-type things with science-type equipment like Bunsen burners and beakers and such. Our data clearly shows that the reason they put quotation marks around the word sign is because an observation tower is not a sign. A sign is a sign. An observation tower is a tall, typically one room structure that, as luck would have it, is not a sign.
It's kind of like how blurtit.com is a website that is also the worlds' largest “foot.”
With the signage issues aside, let us continue to discuss their signage. As previously mentioned, the park is a part of an elaborate rest stop in South Carolina named “South of the Boarder.” It is called this due to the fact that it is just south of the North Carolina/South Carolina border; hence, the Mexican theme…
We'll let their impervious-to-scrutiny logic sink in a little…